How To Set Healthy Boundaries

I almost destroyed myself trying to be everyone's savior.

I mean that literally.

After I got saved and got into ministry and became a pastor, I made myself available to everyone, all the time. Every message got a reply. Every person who needed something got a piece of me. I thought that was the Christlike thing to do. I figured saying yes to everybody was what love looked like.

Then I hit a wall. Not a slow fade. A wall.

I was resentful, even angry at the very people I was trying to help. That's when God showed me something I didn't want to see. I thought I was loving them, but I was slowly replacing Him in their lives.

When you carry what God never asked you to carry, you stop being a help and you start being an idol. Idols burn out.

Most people think boundaries are selfish, like setting a limit means you don't care and telling somebody no is the opposite of love. It's the other way around. When you say yes to everything, you teach people to lean on you instead of God. You were never built to hold that kind of weight.

Think about it. If somebody calls you every time they're anxious instead of taking it to God, you slowly become their peace. If they run every decision by you instead of going to the Word, you become their guide. Give it enough time, and you become their god.

That's not love, even when it looks like it. Good intentions can still walk somebody right into bondage, and that's why we set boundaries.

A life with no boundaries traps both of you, not just the person leaning on you. You get chained to each other instead of seeking God. You're stuck to the phone, you can't say no without the guilt, and you're running on empty while everybody around you stays full, feeding off you instead of God.

Here's what convicted me the hardest. Most people aren't looking for the Comforter. They're looking for comfort. They'll stay perfectly okay without the Comforter, as long as they get to keep the comfort.

Without even noticing it, the enemy started shifting my identity from the one being rescued to the rescuer. Being the guy everyone called made me feel important. Being indispensable felt like purpose. That was pride.

Real servanthood doesn't need to be needed. It points everything back to God and trusts Him enough to step back and let Him do what only He can do.

Jesus showed us how this works. He loved harder and served more sacrificially than anybody else on this planet, and He still walked away from the crowds to pray alone (Luke 5:16). He drew boundaries with the religious leaders who only came to test Him. He said no, didn't perform miracles on demand, and even let people who claimed to follow Him walk away without chasing them down.

If Jesus set boundaries, what makes you think you have to be on call 24/7?

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28 (KJV)

Notice He said come unto Me. He's the only One who can actually be your rest, because He never runs dry. People run out. God doesn't, especially when it comes to love.

What helped me was seeing boundaries as signposts instead of walls. Every one of them points to Jesus Christ.

If a person depends on you, they can never really grow, because deep down they need to depend on God for everything. Depending on you instead of Him is just a detour from the real thing.

I am not called to love people as if I am their Savior. I am called to love them toward the Savior.

I'm actually glad I burned out. It didn't make me care about people less. It just changed where I send them when they're hurting.

These days I can sit in somebody's pain without feeling like I have to fix it. I'll listen and give some clarity without feeling like I owe them the answer. Telling someone "God loves you, and this is something you need to take up with Him" doesn't make me feel guilty anymore.

That's not cold. It's healthier for everybody. The people in my life started growing more the moment I stopped trying to be their everything. When I stepped back, God stepped in, and He did the job better than I ever could.

Here's how you start setting boundaries today.

1. Who's leaning on you in a way they should be leaning on God?

It should make you uncomfortable when someone leans on you instead of God. If it feels good in the moment, that's how you know part of you wants to be their god.

2. Will this boundary push them closer to God, or further from Him?

If it draws them closer to God, even if it pushes them away from you, that's the line to hold.

3. Are you running on empty from carrying people's burdens right now?

If you're honest, you'll see you've been trying to be their master, when you were only ever meant to be a servant.

PRAYER

Father God, I've been carrying things You never handed me.

I said yes to everything and called it love, when a lot of it was really pride.

I liked being needed, and I didn't want to admit it.

Today I set it down.

Not because I stopped caring, but because I care enough to quit standing where only You belong.

You're the Savior, not me.

You're the source. I'm just the signpost.

Help me love people toward You instead of toward me.

Give me the courage to set boundaries without the guilt, because when I step back, You step in.

In Jesus' precious name we pray. Amen.